Surfacing

Unbelievable! It's been almost three months since I last posted. I really have no idea where the time went or what I've been doing that kept me from blogging. I suppose I just have not recently been bitten by the gadfly. But it's time to get back in the saddle! I started writing a blog post today for Ruminate Magazine's Editor's Column blog (which will be - shameless promotion - posted tomorrow, March 18!) after realizing last night, having finished my third self-help books about kids (kids haven't been that bad but I had a New Year's goal to learn more about boys and sibling rivalry, got on a roll, and amazingly actually finished three books - usually I get half way through one self-help/non-fiction book and start something fictitious) that I am ready - oh, so ready - for fiction and for beautiful words.

Perhaps, as I close that third book, I am also ready to get back to writing and the creative process. Or perhaps, as I have sometimes feared, in a time of joy, I am less creatively productive. In the last two months, I have recaptured a huge haul of happiness - having more fun in life in my activities, feeling the lightness of life, having fun with my kids, taking things a day at a time (for the most part). A co-worker stopped by my office this morning on her way to the third floor just to say hi, and how much I could feel her kindness and, to use a Boulder term, light.

Critical life events have certainly lessened for me, and, as well, as the fear (though, the reality has held off - even though Michael is still at half time, his slots for private practice keep filling with new clients) of the economic times threatens to creep into the nooks and cranny of my life, I have been able to respond by going back to basics, the basics of what makes my life good and joyful. Harper putting stickers on her leg. Asher inventing a new climbing and jumping game on the dining room table. Walking the dozen brown soccer fields at Sandstone Park. Pilates. A meal with Michael. A home cooked meal with all four of us at the table. Nature, relationships, physical health . . .

A New Thing I Discovered

In one of the personality tests, there's a question about whether you prefer to have lots of friends or a few friends. I have always tended towards having a few friends who I know well, even as I was envious of those charismatic, dynamic people who know lots of people and attract friends like ants to a picnic. I've wondered about this, why this is my tendency, and recently realized that it may be because I have a hard time with "just having fun" with people. I don't easily enter into light, fun things - be it light conversation, going to a party, playing croquet, skiing, crafts, whatever. I have a tendency to want to make everything profoundly meaningful and for conversations to be profoundly meaningful.

The second weekend of January, I went to Vail with my book club, driving up with one of the members who I didn't know very well. Soon into our drive, I asked her personal questions about her job (lawyer) and if she like it and other such things. Just dive right in to the personal. I felt like we finally made a connection on the way home when she asked if I had the same name as my kids (she doesn't), and I explained my interesting family situation (living with my ex, no longer having same last name, blah, blah, blah). She had been previously divorced, which brought up some interesting topics of conversation between us. But there it was, my tendency to just go for the deep with this woman I barely knew (and who kicked my butt on the ski slopes).

Perhaps this is a good tendency in some ways, but it can also be a problem, especially when living with someone. Because, in all reality, not every minute of a relationship can be deep, soul changing and intense or ridden with existential angst (a crisis I'm prone to have a few times a year). There needs to be light fun. So with Michael, with my children, and even with friends, I have to intentionally back off, let there be quiet or light conversation, and just time together to be in the beauty of a moment (though even then, I may be trying hard to find the meaning in the moment). It's hard - I sometimes even want to start a conflict so that there can be "deep" connection - but a worthwhile skill to develop (I think - I mean, there's something profound in that, right? Like discovering that there's beauty in the ocean deep and the ocean surface - stop me now!).

I Pledge . . . er . . . Maybe Not

I am quite a fan of our new president. I am inspired by his message as well as the public response to his message, the upsurge of hope and energy for our country, the idea again that we are the country, and the profound statement to our nation and the world that our country elected a black man (though he was a black man who didn't run on race). I am inspired by the call to serve and the avenues and expectations that we can do so in a wide variety of ways. I am curious at the strong anti-response that some have to Obama, having heard people call him Satan reincarnated and others say that this country should have an IQ test before we are given voting privileges because so many people were pro-Obama (which hit me as funny because I thought the same back in 2004).

A co-worker forwarded to me a link from the Oprah show showing the "I Pledge" video put together by Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. It's a great idea, pledging a way to serve, but, watching it, it's also kind of creepy because the actors chant about serving "our president." Just a reality check here, shouldn't we be serving our country? I don't want to serve the president, he's a human being after all prone to make mistakes and, God forbid, get on a power trip (oh, wait, that was the last president). I will, however, answer a call to service for our country. I belive that our country has to be more than our president, has to be all of us working together.

Check out the last scene of the video with all the little squares of people chanting, "I Pledge." It wasn't so much inspiring for me at the end as totally creepy, a la Third Reich at the extreme of my response.

Rushing

I have realized that I prefer to work and live at a leisurely pace. In the last few weeks, work has been busier than ever before as I take on new grant writing for two other organizations (which has been fun, but a learning curve about new topics that had to happen rightnow because the deadlines were all on the same damn day) while I keep up the normal things and do beginning of the year stuff. So that, on Wednesday, when I finished the bulk of the grant stuff, I went home, put the kids to bed, lay on the couch in a weird between wake and sleep state for an hour before Michael came home, watched something on TV, and then slept for a good 9 hours. I took a nap Thursday and went to bed early again. Oh, how old my brain feels!

But I realized that I used to like working under a high amount of stress, but these days, I like to take my time and get things done days in advance so I'm not rushing around. I like to have time to breath and check in with myself and reality, rather than escape from reality. When I went skiing in January with a majority type-A personality group of women, we skied one blue run the first day and then headed straight for the black diamond bowls. Oh my! I lasted a few runs and then had to go off on my own because, what I realized, is that I am also a leisurely skier. Forget this fighting with myself to get down difficult runs. I just want to enjoy it. I want the freshly groomed blue runs where I can feel like I'm flying. My mom might say I've always been this way, not liking to be rushed when I was getting ready for school. If so, it's a tendency that's gotten worse.

I look forward to leaving work today at 3:30 and heading to Lefthand for a leisurely Friday afternoon pint with Michael. Between my work schedule and the return of indoor plumbing to my house, I feel quite spoiled (even if my car door won't open when I go to get in it).

It's a Full Month of Full Moons

It's a full month of moons or whatever astrological thing happens (is it Mercury in retrograde?) when things (fortunately material things) decide to break, like:
Our bathroom plumbing - it was a large root ball in the old terracotta piping causing the problem and no toilet for 24 hours (for which Asher suggested to me, "Just pee outside, Mom," and Michael said, "Just drop trou like you're camping" . . . in 8 degree weather? I thought Amy Poehler's character in Baby Momma might have a good idea);
The brakes, driver's side door (though, confession, it's been broken for awhile such that I can't open it from the outside, but it has finally gotten to me), and heat on the Volvo. I broke down and bought a seat cover for the driver side this month because I was tired of the broken leather;
Our Brita water filter on the kitchen faucet so that it spurts water all over the place when turned on too high; and
The Audi's electrical something, a coil? that we got fixed for $1000 less than anticipated . . . but now it needs servicing, and a timing belt. Cool. Can't wait to spend more money on a car.

I guess that's it. Not too bad (another reason I love lists. Real Simple's recent issue is about lists - a magazine after my own heart), but in the midst of it, Monday night when we had no working toilet and a bathtub full of poop from the toilet, I felt like the world was coming apart. After all, it's just money. And it's just plumping. I am so fortunate to have indoor plumbing that breaks.

How to Christmas

I mentioned that I might have a few blog posts to catch up on. So here's a quick Christmas catch up. My family had a wonderful Christmas together - another healing event for 2008 when we (me, Michael, Asher and Harper joined by Clare, Michael and Jaden) were all together, enjoying (not gritting teeth and waiting to escape but keeping it together as much as possible for the kids who knew something was up anyway but really too young to realize Christmas versus Saturday cartoon day - phew!) each others' company, sharing the many gifts and blessings of the holiday. What a day!

I have much to learn about how to have a fun but not overly exhausting holiday with my kids and Michael. I had Tuesday off before Christmas and daycare was open, so I dropped my kids off and spent much of the day grocery shopping, cooking and present wrapping. I cooked more on Wednesday, got more gifts ready, enjoyed a Christmas Eve celebration in Ft. Collins and Christmas in Longmont. I cooked more Christmas morning, enjoyed all the splendor of Christmas morning (and Asher's disbelief at evidence of Santa's visit) and time that day to just be together. Somehow, I lost site of my own energy levels, and when Clare and Michael left Christmas evening and our kids were in bed, I went into our bedroom and crawled under the covers utterly exhausted - that feeling of I can barely keep breathing much less think about being upright in any fashion.

Michael drew me a bath, prepared our one, small bathroom as much as possible to be kid-free/adult relaxing (i.e. hiding the toys in the sink with a towel), and I took a long soak. I couldn't even read. I just soaked. I relaxed and felt much better. Which leads me to the enduring question - how to have a fun, tradition-filled, all-the-things-we-love-about-Christmas filled day without turning into a puddle at the end of the day? Perhaps it's less cooking. Perhaps it's more naps. Perhaps it's taking a mental read on my own energy levels and taking something off the list. Perhaps it's knowing that it was all worth it.

Is It a Full Moon?

I have a number of other posts that I want to add, but today trumps them all! A strange, frustrating day. Asher woke up at about 5:00 a.m. in my bed with, "Mom, my ear hurts," which generally is a sign that he has an ear infection. But since it was hours before the doctor's office opens, I tried to make him comfortable with drops (Asher asked me if I was a doctor when he saw the medicine case - sweet) and my warming pillow (one of the favorite things I own! A pillow filled with corn that my Aunt Adel gave me years ago - warms in the microwave), which was only semi-successful. While lying in bed, trying to sleep between Asher's discomfort and discussion about why he has an ear infection, I mentally tried to figure out how to manage the 4 meetings for the day (of course, all in one day when I rarely have meetings becaues I believe in Murphy's Law).

After having to switch everyone and everything to the Volvo (which has no heat) to the Audi (which had no electricity this morning because the damn fancy car doesn't turn its own lights off or tell you their left on), we dropped Harper off at daycare, which was hard because her brother wasn't there, and headed to my office, where it took me three tries to print a grant report due Monday (why? Because the lame ass computer tech guy who came in as a nice volunteer and became paid tech support ran off with 8 new laptops, 2 desktops, a variety of computer equipment last week without completing his job. Moral of the story? Always do a background check! And criminals don't introduce themselves as criminals) when come to find out I don't have two key pieces of information for the grant report. I did what I could to get something out . . . while entertaining Asher and telling him at least 10 times that we could read the new giant dinosaur book that appeared in our office later that afternoon (it's a REALLY cool dinosaur book!) and Asher running through approximately 43 flag post-its so he could flag all the dinosaurs he wanted to show me (took him 5 mintues). I left the office trailing a co-worker telling me she had one of the key pieces for me - I tried not to look too annoyed while assuring her that her program "wouldn't be in trouble," as she put it (insert lots of cuss words).

Got through Asher's doctor's appointment with a sub-doctor I wasn't too keen on (did learn Asher wants to see a woman doctor - funny kid) and his prescription (he only used the blood pressure machine in the pharmacy for about 10 minutes and figured out how to get both hands stuck in it at the same time - that was entertaining for both of us). At the doctor's office, I remembered that I had a Jamba Juice gift card and promised Asher a smoothy (look at me! What a fun mom!). So, we ran across town to Lowe's, which is near Jamba, to get a copy of a house key made. Took f-o-r-e-v-e-r - as in, does anyone work here anymore since the recession-we-shall-not-name? We ran over to Jamba and it was closed. Um, yeah. Closest location is in Boulder. After much crying and gnashing of teeth, we ran back across town to the other smoothy place and succeeded in getting a smoothy. We spent a few hours at home watching cartoons, playing , getting some work done, spending time together, venting to Ardis and recovering from a morning of 2 steps forward, 10 steps backward.

Soon before we left to get Harper, I decided to try to get the Audi started. I downloaded eHow instructions on how to jump a car (there's a nice video of it) because I'd never done it myself and was a wee bit paranoid about killing myself. After 20 minutes of running the booster car, the Audi was no more alive. I went to take the cables off the batteries and the grounded negative end sparked, the Audi blinked some lights, and then . . . miracles! it started! Although, not without its say in the matter, deciding the hazards would not turn off and the alarm would go off randomly, so I drove it to daycare that way (finding that I could keep one blinker on and the hazards went off). I felt quite hilarious and thankful for the dark tinted windows. Getting home, the alarm and hazards would NOT stop, so I ran through the stupid, complicated fuse box until I pulled out one that took care of that (with Harper climbing around me and so prettily blocking the light). Ta da!

What a day! And yet, miracles all around - that I parked the Audi in such a way that I could jump it from the Volvo; that the Audi actually started; that I had both cars at the house so I could switch between them; that one of my meetings got rescheduled; and that I got to spend a day with my boy who much needed mom time . . . sigh. It's almost a full moon.