In one of the personality tests, there's a question about whether you prefer to have lots of friends or a few friends. I have always tended towards having a few friends who I know well, even as I was envious of those charismatic, dynamic people who know lots of people and attract friends like ants to a picnic. I've wondered about this, why this is my tendency, and recently realized that it may be because I have a hard time with "just having fun" with people. I don't easily enter into light, fun things - be it light conversation, going to a party, playing croquet, skiing, crafts, whatever. I have a tendency to want to make everything profoundly meaningful and for conversations to be profoundly meaningful.The second weekend of January, I went to Vail with my book club, driving up with one of the members who I didn't know very well. Soon into our drive, I asked her personal questions about her job (lawyer) and if she like it and other such things. Just dive right in to the personal. I felt like we finally made a connection on the way home when she asked if I had the same name as my kids (she doesn't), and I explained my interesting family situation (living with my ex, no longer having same last name, blah, blah, blah). She had been previously divorced, which brought up some interesting topics of conversation between us. But there it was, my tendency to just go for the deep with this woman I barely knew (and who kicked my butt on the ski slopes).
Perhaps this is a good tendency in some ways, but it can also be a problem, especially when living with someone. Because, in all reality, not every minute of a relationship can be deep, soul changing and intense or ridden with existential angst (a crisis I'm prone to have a few times a year). There needs to be light fun. So with Michael, with my children, and even with friends, I have to intentionally back off, let there be quiet or light conversation, and just time together to be in the beauty of a moment (though even then, I may be trying hard to find the meaning in the moment). It's hard - I sometimes even want to start a conflict so that there can be "deep" connection - but a worthwhile skill to develop (I think - I mean, there's something profound in that, right? Like discovering that there's beauty in the ocean deep and the ocean surface - stop me now!).
6 comments:
Yea, when people say How are you, I think they want the real answer...and the explanation...then there are those who confide in me when they have just met me stuff they've never told anyone...and sometimes I wish the wouldn't--do I look like a shrink???
Okay,, now I feel totally intimidated to talk to you, since most of our conversations have been about meaningless things like MOPS, annoying things about MOPS,, annoying people at MOPS and new haircuts:) I am going to have to dig deep into the trenches of my mind to come up with a meaningful deep conversation now:)
By the way, Val...is me, Page.
:) I know exactly what you mean---I, too, have a difficult time making casual conversation and don't enjoy large gatherings for that very reason. I learn more about living in the moment from Josie---another humbling gift found through parenting.
I learn so much about myself by reading your well-stated thoughts. thanks for sharing this just when I needed it!
Page - you under estimate yourself! I remember a number of conversations about faith, church, kids, all the crap going on in my life, etc. that was quite meaningful to me.
I remember meeting you for the first time and I also distinctly remember being drawn toward you and desperately wanting you for a friend; so I do think you have that quality. Maybe just the super cool pick up on it! ;)
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