Branch by Branch

Not too long ago, I blogged about emotional capacity - both the capacity for feeling bad things and good things. The week after I wrote the entry, in counseling, our (Michael and my) therapist talked about building our capacity for positive things and what prevents us from either going after good things or really feeling the pleasure of life. I fully believe God, among other things, created good things for us to enjoy and take great pleasure in. Life is not to be puritanical and about deprivation but about fully enjoying our world - nature, food, drink, friends, our bodies, play, family, sleep, entertainment, books, art, crafts, hobbies . . .

I know and believe this, but I am still sometimes frozen by the actual feeling of pleasure, afraid of it ending or turning bad or something terible that I didn't know suddenly erupting. No doubt, all of these fears will come true, but I am working on being present to good and pleasurable things and to seeking them out.

In the same session, we talked about my and Michael's work and careers. I shared my dream jobs - working in education policy (I know, Aunt Moo - it's not the end all be all, but I just can't shake my fascination with it!), being a full time writer and working as a college professor. I have at some time during my life shot down each one of these dreams with nicely aimed, critical, negative bullets, including not enough time, not enough education, not worth it, not being in the right circles. I have started to dream about getting a PhD again and looking at some of the programs close by (can't be a coincidence that I got an e-mail the Monday after our session for a grantors' site visit and the person coming is the Communications and Development Director for the Center for Education Policy Analysis at teh University of Colorado in Denver!).

Thinking about pleasure, I realize that I have one other fear of taking the next step, a strange, overwhelming feeling of responsiblity for making something good happen. At work, I have recently had a few nonaggressive and totally well-meaning occurrences of someone else doing my job. This spurred me on to take a few projects by the reins and make a few phone calls, send some e-mails, make connections to move projects forward without waiting for someone else to do it (maybe that's just doing my job!). If I look too far forward, I suddenly fear the weight of these projects, in particular a Latin American festival and fundraiser with a local orchestra. Holy crap! I think. If I do this and then this and then this (the power of an individual!). . . it's really going to happen. Part of me prefers the safety of my office chair, typing out grant applications, letting project after project quietly slip by.

I remember while sorting through the falling apartness of my marriage just taking the next right step, seeing the next branch in the tree - not sure of what the next branch or even the top looked like. I stayed sane in climbing deliberately one branch at a time without trying to guess or ask for what God's plan was. And branch, after branch, God showed me the way (with such grace). So I need to practice with pleasure and good things both being on the branch and climbing just the next one (whether it's in full, beautiful spring bloom or full of bugs and crumbling wood or even the wrong branch such that I have to back up and try again), knowing there will always be branches to support me and grace amidst the leaves.