The holidays this year were more torturous than normal, taking lots of effort to do normal holiday things in the midst of a major life crisis (think trying to hold a birthday party on a cruise ship going over Niagara falls). By December 31, I was ready to forget about holidays for awhile. I spent New Year's Eve at home, the kids in bed and falling asleep without a thought of celebrating. No champagne, no bubbly cider, no Scrabble games, no watching the ball descend, no fun kisses. It wasn't intentional - there was just nothing left in me to have another celebration.
Returning to work on January 2, I charged in like it was still 2007. Just another flip of the calendar. Another month ahead. I stopped for a few minutes in my bosses office and listened to her ideas for our organization for the coming year. There was a revived energy in her voice, a revived energy about her position and leadership. "It's so nice to have a fresh start," she said. And for the first time in 2008, I felt that fresh start. By marking the end of a year, there is a sense that we have ended something, that the race or the walk or even the crawl at the end of the year has ended. I wonder how our bodies must recognize this as the days get shorter and shorter until the solstice, and then start to lengthen again. The earth has completed a revolution and begins a new one - count down to zero, and then start counting up. So do we complete a year and start another one, a fresh start.
Even with a fresh start, I have some trepidation about 2008. The last two years have had such special (that's sarcastic) blow ups, and I have a whole new opportunity for more specialness. Someone recently warned me that I can expect more testing in the months ahead, testing of my decisions and my values as I figure out what my marriage future will be. Hurrah for 2008.
So it is that I am waffling between feeling like I have a fresh start and feeling like this race is never going to end, between a sarcastic laugh at our artificial calendar and celebration of a new year and appreciation for beginning a new revolution around the sun.
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2 comments:
Hello dearest daughter:
No matter what anyone says (like Jesus is the Reason), this shortening of days to a nadir and then beginning to lengthen again, is felt by humans, has always been felt by humans and has always been "celebrated". To me, the celebrations are meet an instinctive need to make sure the light comes back - hence we bring the immortal indoors (everygreen trees still live in winter) and light the lights to bring the light back. And the wild celebrations are a marker that something is over and something will begin. Yes, Christians have the birth of The Son, but throughout eternity, humans has have the rebirth of the Sun. Our lives do seem to meld from one year to the next and it seems at times that there is no respite from one year to the next. I have been know to wish that Christmas came every other year; it all seems to happen so fast. Nevertheless, I know that not only is there a new year, but there is a new day, every 24 hours. We can wake up each morning and put yesterday behind us and start again. One of the tenets of St. Benedict and The Rule of St. Benedict, which date from the 5th century, is "Always we begin again." Always. We hold ourselves and our faith up because we always begin again. Do not look for sorrows or problems; probably there will be some. Worry is not planning and if positive yearnings and dreams do not work out, Oh Well. We will begin again.
Love you bunches, Mombe
You say you want a revolution?
Well, you know
We all want to change the world...
Don't you know it's gonna be - all right
Don't you know it's gonna be - all right
Don't you know it's gonna be - all right
The Beatles
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