A Lion and a Lamb

This evening, after a full weekend attending and celebrating my sister Clare's wedding, my mom and step dad left our house with my nephew and son to spend the night in Fort Collins and take a trip up the Poudre Canyon to look for some of the 650 moose living there. My mother loves mooses (meese). Tomorrow this foursome will hop on a plane and fly to California for the week. Asher has been away from home and away from each of his parents but never both of us at the same time. My dear boy heard he was going with his Nanna, Poppa and "my cousin" (as he calls his cousin Jaden) tonight, hugged his Nanna, said goodbye to me, "Bye, Mom" and walked happily to the front door. No fear!

My mom often reminds me that when I was three, I told her that I wanted to go on a plane by myself and talk to people. I would love to meet that little girl that I was, to know her confidence and her extroverted personality. Now I see it in my son, tromping out the door with his dear cousin and grandparents.

I have been amazed recently by my son. I remember remarking when Asher was less than a year what a sweet boy he was, and, more recently, what a tough, strong boy he his. Several times a day he pulls out a sword and asks me to sword fight. "Ving!" he says as he swings at me. Several times since Harper was born, Asher will approach her while she is crying and hug her, tell her everything is okay, and try to soothe his baby sister. Several times a day he asks me to play Army men, lining up the little green figures and shooting at each other, at cars, at a rhinoceros, lion, monkey and tank. Several times a week, Asher will turn to me and give me a hug, say, "I wuv you, Mom," or grab my hand as we are walking together. A couple times he said, "I wuv holding your hand." Several times a day he asks to play bad men, fighting and wrestling with each other. Every nap and bed time, Asher asks me to, "say pays" and sing "his song and Gesus love me" surrounded by all thirty of his Cars movie car toys and a fresh sippy cup of water. Several times a week, he asks to go on walks, to go exploring, to climb random stairs and steep driveways. Several times a week, Asher pulls out a set of small stuffed bears and their beds and tucks them under a blanket to go night night. Every morning, Harper and Asher wake up with the sun and, when I go in to get them, I find them playing peek-a-boo with the curtains. I am amazed by the fierceness and tenderness in my son, by his natural desire to be a warrior and explorer and by his natural desire to be a lover, nurturer and protector.

I grew up with two sisters, my mother and an often mentally absent alcoholic father. I had boys, young men and men who were friends and family. I had close boyfriends. I lived for seven years on the campus of an all boys Catholic school. But I rarely had the opportunity to see a boy or man who I knew well in all his facets, day in and day out. Even in my thirteen year relationship with my husband, I never clearly saw the dueling or twin natures of a man. Watching my son, I am just starting to feel these two natures and to appreciate them. I wonder at how a boy and young man learns to be both of these parts, what a young or grown man does when he feels fierce or feels tender, feels the pressure to be fierce when he wants to be tender or to be tender when he wants to be fierce, how parents can best help a boy sword fight and wrestle, play a fierce tiger and also feel deep, tender emotion.

I desire for my children the opportunity to be and be comfortable in being fully themselves. I desire for Asher that he understand how and when to be fierce, how and when to be tender and how to be himself in those situations where he feels both at the same time. May he be a lion and a lamb and may he learn how to lie down with both.